1. We had the FEEDERS, these are the amazing folks that knew they could offer up food, during the pandemic sometimes it was a gift card, but mostly these folks can miraculously create dozens of casseroles in no time flat. At some point, too many of these folks means too much food and not enough fridge. Don't discourage them from the food, but find someone to manage the receivables. Sites like Meal Train and Caringbridge became my go to for what can be eaten (not all food items were appropriate for surgery or certain drugs) and for the quantity and scheduling or arriving dishes.

2. The FREAK-OUTS - these are the folks that freak out about everything, but even more so with Cancer and death. I swear sometimes I think they may think death and brokenness is contagious. They may not be vocal about it, but you will see them slowly fade from the circle because they don't know how to cope or handle the news let alone how to have a conversation with someone who is ill, dying, surviving or widowed. Stay in touch with the ones you like, don't worry too much about the others, they'll be back if you let them. This is just where they are in life right now, so don't be too hard on them either.

3. There are many that fall in the DRIFTERS group, these are the folks that you thought were great friends or family and all of a sudden aren't available. They will drift in every now and then to check on things, but won't be able to fully commit. It isn't that they don't care, they are usually scared of finding out something bad has happened and rather avoid any news in order to not get the bad news. When they show up, cherish the moments but don't expect much authentic empathy, it may be beyond their capacity.

4. The CARERS - I love these people, sometimes these are folks that you probably forgot about because you don't see them often. Many times, they have gone through their own experiences of tragedy, illness or death. They seem to be the most empathetic and genuine and will travel and swoop in while not missing a beat to take care of you and your loved one. Once the task is complete, they may disappear again but know they are only a phone call away. And when they say they are there for you, believe them. The ones with medical backgrounds are great to have as a call-a-friend option on tough nights.

5. I have a lot of respect for the YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS group. They mean it, and they usually have a good relationship with the man upstairs. I find that while their spiritual life is great the biggest benefit is helping you when your spiritual life isn't. But having them do more than that may have limitations. I like to keep these folks around as my extra security blanket cause we could always use miracles and I'll never turn down heavenly help for the soul. The one concern I always had was that many were in denial at the end of life period because they too wanted a miracle so bad that the carpet they kneeled on for prayers had worn through. In death and to a widow, these folks are on a Heavenly mission to bring you and your loved ones souls to Heaven, whether you believe it or not, be thankful for what they can do.

6. The FIXERS. Ok, so this group tries really hard, but because they are constantly thinking of solutions to everything, they tend to listen the least. They mean very well, but those brilliant ideas take up brain space. These are the folks that typically include Men, but some women fit this category, and when they see a problem - like cancer, medical complications and death - they believe they can fix it with some activity, object, or program. Many times, as you describe the concerns and issues you are having, they are concocting the next BIG solution. While some of these "fixes" may help you temporarily, they FIXERS never feel like they are fully present, even when they are right in front of you.

7. The real Human Gifts are those that are PRESENT. To play a pun on that word, the PRESENT are presents. They are empathetic, lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on. They don't offer unsolicited advice unless they detect a hint of need for one. Oftentimes, they seem like the ones who could never judge you - so you can be the "worried" or "sad" person and they will point out that there is more to you than that, and then be able to point out the other gifts in your life. The best part of this group is how rare they are. Sometimes, they can't stand each other all together, but when they are with you and your loved ones, you are the only other person(s) they are listening to. Their greatest gift is just being there. Being present in the moment, possibly for a dinner, a drink, sitting at home or even just on the phone—listening, comforting when needed and fully getting it, even if they don't fully get it. They don't always have experience with the grief and anxiety you are facing, but they know enough to say so, and just be present anyways.

I'm sure there are some subcategories that could be mentioned or that I missed, and once again, I hate categorizing folks at all, but when friends and family are available during a crisis like cancer and death they tend to fall into one of these groups. Sometimes we need the FEEDERS or the YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS GROUP, The FIXERS often have great ideas and can be helpful, sometimes just seeing a FREAKOUTS or a DRIFTER is comforting cause you rarely see them anyways. But the CARERS are your foot soldiers and you should let them into your life and the PRESENT are the gifts you didn't realize you needed.

It is ok to ask for help. It is ok to cry. It is ok to be vulnerable, because that doesn't mean you are weak, but that you are courageous enough to face the challenge of the reality placed in front of you. I'm sure you can do it on your own, but it is only harder that way, and you will burn out faster. Trust in the people around you that can support you and your loved ones.

I hope this helps both for those of you that are in grief or anxious about illness and death, but also for those friends and family that want to approach someone going through a challenge in life right now. If we can learn to listen for the sake of listening and being a PRESENT Gift to those we meet, we can do something amazing in this world. It won't stop suffering, or cure the cancers, and it won't make things hurt less, but it has the potential to bring us all into the moment, to cherish life and find a HEALING path with support and care. It takes time, and we don't know how much time we really have, so let every second be a GIFT for yourself and others in need.